Chuck E. Cheese’s Makes Surprise Debut In Former Patio Cafe Space [Fake News]

Chuck E. Cheese’s Makes Surprise Debut In Former Patio Cafe Space [Fake News]Photo: Fox Totorus/Flickr
Penelope Crutchfield
Published on January 20, 2017

For those of you looking for a laugh on an especially surreal day, we're experimenting with a new format: satire. The news item below is entirely contrived; let us know what you think in the comments below. 


Infamous property owner Les Natali surprised everyone earlier this morning when he opened a Chuck E. Cheese’s in the former Patio Cafe space. 

Natali managed to get the conditional use permitting, gain community support, okay the development with Planning, remodel the building, hire a staff, and open the kid-centric restaurant in less than 24 hours.

“The easiest part was hiring a general manager and a chef,” laughed Natali, who responded immediately to our request for an interview.

When asked what happened to Hamburger Mary’s, Natali said, “Hamburger who? With with all of these new families in the neighborhood with their foreign nannies, deluxe strollers, and tiny children, no one wants another restaurant. What the Castro wants is another restaurant with a built-in family fun zone and arcade.”

Although Natali has traditionally been at odds with neighbors over the number of empty storefronts he owns in the Castro, he’s hopeful that opening Chuck E. Cheese’s will change people’s perception of him.

“The whole idea of Chuck E. Cheese’s is to give people a place for kids to be kids” said Natali. “That’s what I wanted to do: give the Castro a place for kids.”

However, according to a third-party registry, Natali’s Chuck E. Cheese’s means that as of today, four sex offenders will now have to move from their apartments along the 500 block of Castro Street.

Natali also told us that he's working with the city to get "stroller parking" installed outside of the restaurant so that families can lock up their strollers before dining. 

"Thank God they widened the sidewalks," he said. 

The latest development represents a blow to the largely gay male population of the neighborhood.

“Listen, I have nothing against kids,” said Kyle Yentil, a longtime Sanchez Street resident, “but, I’d rather the space remain vacant forever instead of becoming a Chuck E. Cheese's. It’s an insult to the dozens of bottomless mimosa brunches that I think I enjoyed at the Patio Cafe all those years ago.”

Leonard Beaufort agrees. 

“First it was the tourists that we started trucking into the Castro and now it’s the children? Unless there’s some kind of blatant sexualization of this establishment or some sort of rainbow light feature, well, I don’t see a home for Chuck E. Cheese’s in my Castro.”

Natali remains optimistic that neighbors will come around to the Castro’s newest business. He thinks that having retained the ABC liquor license that was attached to the space’s previous permit will help.

“We really wanted to keep that,” said Natali. “You know, for when mommy and daddy need a little drink.”

According to Natali, Chuck E. Cheese’s will be hosting a weekday happy hour from noon to 9pm, and plans are in motion to offer a weekend brunch option that will feature the chain’s signature macaroni and cheese pizza, tater bites, and sugary fountain drinks.

When asked what tricks he has up his sleeve regarding his other vacant neighborhood properties, Natali said that we’ll just have to wait and see.

“Some things are just better left unknown,” said Natali, with a noticeable twinkle in his eye.